Socks are beautiful, quite simply. But what does that mean? What does the act of saying “socks are beautiful” do? If it is said in a certain way that I think there is an object that it points to that is eternally graspable, then I create a narrative of endless desire—infinitely pushing or pinching me. If I am saying it in a certain way that it points to the way it is a text, then something else happens: the sock is more and more viewed as performance, repeated, re-treated, re-seen, revisited, stretched, worn out, put on, etc.

“Text” does not necessarily mean literal words on a page; it refers more to a set of performances. The ways that socks are worn, worn out, put on, removed, etc. are practices. To look at socks is part of that practice that endlessly proliferates and causes new permutations in turn. Does this render it all “boring”? Not really, since boredom is only the obverse of desire: it is the waiting for an essence to “emerge” from nothing, when there is no eternal essence whatsoever that one can grasp. Some kinds of images operate in ways that we believe that they are eternal: something about a curve, for example, might lead one to think of a culturally reinforced geometry that is touted as universal.

The “ultimate” suffering is believing in the essence, which is none other than the reification of all that is produced in mind and actions. If I fall into the trap of essentializing beauty and form, it’s not long before I start to build a world around all of that: the world of “what things out there stand ‘in the way’ of what I most desire?” The world begins with desire, which begins with the fundamental error of seeing things as having an essence. But this too is a false “universal” to speak in this way. Because no matter what (essence or no essence, belief in an essence or denial), these are also performances.

     Sockboy came home after a long day of teaching, pulled on his long white socks, and settled into the comfort of home. He felt the warmth of socked feet, and even playfully entertained the idea of teaching in stockinged feet. Even though it felt like something he shouldn’t do since he is not a girl, it still felt nice to feel the softness and gentleness of sock feet on the floor, and to realize that he could do it even though he is biologically born as a male. “Well,” he mused  to himself, “why do I need to be bound by  such categories?”

When he at last settled into the comfort of sleep, sockboy suddenly realized how silly it was to make a fetish out of comfortable socks. Was it necessary to turn all this into desire for the opposite gender? How did desire get created in the first place? Why all the difference, and does difference itself constitute desire? At that point, he started to say goodbye to the more violent aspects of his desires,which demeaned and alienated him  by separating him into a “self” (male) and “other” (female). He challenged himself not to separate, and not even to romanticize this process.

He drifted into a comforable sleep

The narrative above represents a kind of rethinking about a fetish that I am actively working on. It starts with the Robert Stoller psychotherapeutic hypothesis that all humans are born with one gender (more akin to female) and some (biological males) are pressured to assume a different gender in order to develop appropriate (healthy) desire for the opposite gender.. If a boy is unable to do so, he is considered a deviant who is not using libidinous energy in a proper way.

Fetishes constitute both a paradoxically simultaneous mis-grafting and perpetuation of heteronormative sexual desire. “Misgrafting” means that is somehow misses the mark of going beyond an infantile holding onto a symbolic object. Fetishes are manifestations of primitive “hold-overs”, especially inappropriate or forbidden childhood longings. “Perpetuation” in the sense that it still produces a painful separation of male/female binary by assigning socks to the simultaneously forbidden and yet desired for “other” (the female or feminine assignment and performance of socks). When this fetish is indulged in through genital arousal and stimulation (“heteronormative”), it creates a painful and inappropriate desire for an object that is somehow not intended to elicit desire (“abnormal” or “perverse”). Resisting the heteronormative aspect of the fetish allows me to overcome the dualism or the binary of male/female that perpetuates desire and suffering. But keeping the non-heteronormative sensuality of socks allows me to continue to challenge my own inner gender identification and boundaries.

  There is no single overriding meaning of socks and how I view them: they lead to infinite self/other permutations and fantasies. If I am clear that these are all creations, I can be aware of when thinking about socks becomes a self/other fantasy, and I can shift from a paradigm of desire to one of appreciation and contemplating their beauty.

   Beauty itself is not something to be possessed. The drive to possess only leads to suffering and vexation; it’s truly disgusting. In fact, the disgust that a person feels is a function of their sense that beauty and form are being defiled for the sake of lust and fantasy. If the form remains unaffected by these desires, one can learn to get over the compulsion to grasp and possess.

When I am having any kind of uneasiness, I can ask myself, what am I really doing in those cases. There is an interesting dynamic indeed. Let’s analyse it in steps:

a) Seeing a pair of socks or being in socks

b) thinking that socks are related to a seducing consciousness (a being who is inviting me, the subject, to a sexual encounter)

c) feeling rejected or potentially rebuffed (indulging in fantasies of “drawing close” and “pushing away” which only intensifies the idea of a desiring self)

d) and so on!

How is this reversed? This dynamic is reversed in the following ways:

a) repudiating the idea that socks are related to a seducing consciousness (only I am pretending or fantasizing that their is a seducing other, when in fact this is only an illusion created by the mind)

b) Not imagining that the repudiation is a rebuff at all (since there is no seducing consciousness to begin with, so why would there be a rejecting or rebuffing one? Replacing this dynamic with equanimity, no-self)

c) changing the dynamic of seduction to one of simple enjoyment that is not eroticized: comfort and beauty replace sensuousness and seduction.

For the coming weeks, I am going to practice changing my narratives about socks away from “sensuousness” and “seduction” toward “comfort” and “beauty”. And in the process, I hope to be able to say women are more than socks (much more, in fact are worthy of the highest respect) and boys can learn to simply wear socks without getting aroused as a gesture of unconditional respect and solidarity with women. It’s also important to empathize with women’s disgust with men’s lusts,  to be able to overcome such gross lusts.

Again, I am returning back to the image of simply wearing white socks and seeing myself in the mirror–as well as recognizing my own acceptance, regardless of gender. I am not sure why these ideas (gender, acceptance, socks) somehow get conflated, but recently it occurs to me that many of my ideas and associations are delusional. They tie into early affectionate or intimate patterns that simply no longer apply to my life anymore. And I am delighted to be able to see that I am not reacting as much as I used to toward socks. I hope that someday I can even say that I am no longer that attached to socks, and I am able to allow the weird craving I have to subside.

To know this fetish is also to historically trace the patterns of gender and desire. It’s only in resisting my habitual ways of craving that I can see how it is formed, or at least speculate on how genders develop unique attractions for one another. The start of it is a kind of symbolic cleaving of genders, followed by the assignment of images and objects to specific genders or gender performance. “Performing” socked feet can start to look different across genders, for example, from the dangling of feet and so on, and this solidifies concepts of male and female, which then creates a differential of desire: someone performs something in ways that I am forbidden to perform, thus creating a projection and sense of deficiency. I then start to exotify the Other by making that Other have a unique “essence” that does not belong to me. In fact that essence is a particular pattern of performed behavior that I was never allowed to perform due to social demands to conform to “gender ideal” behaviors.

Only when I can know for certain that I am also free to perform “feminized” patterns of socked feet can I overcome the sense that it is exotic or somehow essentially different from who I am. In fact, the differences come down to behavioral conditioning that is socially and even politically sanctioned.

Eventually, the goal in all of this is to see through it as well as develop a more dispassionate awareness of people’s behavior as performed, not “essential” to the person at all.

I think that what I briefly glimpsed yesterday really helped me to clarify how I can be more relaxed while wearing socks, without getting giddy or aroused in the wrong sorts of ways. It’s only when I can find a secure sense of autonomy while wearing socks that I can start to outgrow my infantile attachment to socks.

When I say “outgrow”, I don’t mean in the sense of rejecting, but I am thinking more along the lines of incorporating and integrating the attachment in ways that are socially acceptable. Getting “over” a fetish requires a special kind of adjustment to the social world that is not trying to avoid socks. More so, it is about not sexualizing them or making them seem gendered in any way. This requires a kind of cultivation of conscious equanimity which is not about repression but it more about working with the original energy of the mind. When I become more versed in how to work with that energy, I am no longer stuck in the categorization of an object, and it can be queered to some extent so that it is not meaning one particular thing.

I am afraid that this also means saying goodbye to unhealthy attachments such as expectations that others accept me, recognize me, or be tender toward me. Since socks have all so often in the past symbolized a maternal bond, it may take me some time to internalize that maternal attitude, rather than projecting it onto others and expecting them to nurture me. Such an expectation is hardly fair to others and it also disowns my own ability to cre for myself.

 Today, I had to frantically clean my apartment, since it was getting very disorganized. I decided to put on my white socks, which I find to be quite comfortable. During the time when I was walking between the bedroom and apartment, I saw the soles of my socked feet in the mirror. I was able to see myself wearing socks that were getting a bit dirty, but without any sense of embarrassment. I felt a sense of acceptance and even the sense that I am simply okay in my socks. This is a kind of natural acceptance that I have often not allowed in myself.

   I think part of my problem around socks is that it is a symbol of an early sense of comfort I had felt around women, which was somehow sticking with me. It’s only recently that I have realized that it hurts me when I get attached to socks in this way, because I project onto women the comfort or sense of reassurance and acceptance that only I can really provide for myself.  When I expect it from others, a kind of loneliness or void results, especially when that comfort does not extend to my being. When I can provide such acceptance for myself, then something different happens.

I was most excited to realize that I can enjoy the soft comforts of socks without making it into a fantasy related to women or what I want from women. In this way, I can move away from treating women as means to comfort, which creates unhealthy dependency and lack of boundaries. I hope that this can be a new way of accepting who I am (?).

In order to stop making socks into a sexual fantasy, it’s necessary to do the following:

a) Stop thinking that socks are an invitation to intimacy

b) Learn to associate socks with rejection and blocking intimacy

Here is an exercise to try: Looking at the picture below, ask yourself, what is the woman inviting you to do? If you think she is inviting intimacy, think again. She is showing that socks are warm and comfortable, and she is already quite happy. She doesn’t need anyone to further her happiness in the moment, and what appears to be an invitation to closeness is actually just her enjoying relaxing in her socks. In this way, one can simply say, I am so glad you are comfortable in your socks. I am glad that you are happy and you don’t need anyone else for you to be happy. I am glad you are self-sufficient and can find the happiness of your own enlightened mind. Most importantly, we learn that actually this woman is a blessing because she is helping you to practice handling rejection and the sense that you are not significant to her, and that’s okay. You don’t need to be significant to her to live, and yet you can also learn to appreciate her happiness and want for her to be happy, which is more important than her appearance or her socks.

Loving kindness can be a good way to practice non ego and learning not to indulge in one’s sexual urges. It’s also training in how to be a true man and respect the power and intelligence of women, rather than thinking that their appearance is an invitation to indulge in harmful lusts.

Being rejected by a girl can be one of the most satisfying experiences, as long as it does not lead to bitterness. When a girl is rejecting a boy, she is pointing to his true place in the universe, which is as one among many, a piece among millions, and one part in a vast natural universe. It’s a chance for a boy to realize that he is only seeing what he wants to see in a woman, and he had better learn to start respecting and fearing her rather than seeing her as “easy” love. This can be a very joyful experience if one stops attaching so much significance to the self, the body, the ego and all its small desires.

Once there was a boy named Benjamin Xu, and he was a bit of brat. At age 5, he had three sisters, all of them older than him, and he used to run around with heavy moccasins, crushing the girls’ paintings with his heavy feet. None of his three sisters understood where his ridiculous aggression came from, let alone why he insisted on wearing heavy apparel on his feet when he is at home.

Julia Xu, Benjamin’s oldest sister of 13, decided that she had enough of this one day. She approached Benjamin’s mother with an exasperated expression on her face, and asked, “How come Benjamin keeps stomping around and crushing all of our precious things? Shouldn’t he be walking around in his socks like the rest of us? Or is he too ‘man’ for that?

Ellen and Michelle, the other two sisters, nodded their heads in agreement, while rolling their eyes.

Benjamin’s mother decided to sit down and have a long talk with her mischievous son. She had a good plan, so before having this talk, she decided to buy some special secret item at a department store.

“Benjamin, let me level with you,” Benjamin’s mother said. “Your three sisters have, understandably, been upset because apparently you have been using those slippers we bought you to crush their creations. I have been wondering as well, what has gotten into you these days? Why do you keep trying to destroy their things?”

Benjamin groaned. “I thought that’s what boys are supposed to do to become men. I am the only boy in this family, and I don’t want to not be a man.”

Benjamin’s mother was puzzled. “Well, Benjamin, I am quite confused by your answer, because I thought that real men are gentle and nice to women, not violent and aggressive. In particular, you seem to have gotten into the habit of destroying anything your sisters have done. What gave you the impression you needed to do that? Just because you are the youngest in the family?”

Benjamin paused. He thought about all the movies he watched about men who ran around with guns and acted macho in front of the women they loved. “I dunno,” he said looking down at his feet. “I guess I thought women loved boys who were really tough.”

Benjamin’s mother still looked confused. When she continued, a slight gleam appeared in her eyes. “You hardly even know yourself. And I think there’s something I would like you to know. What you think is manly behavior does not impress your mother or your sisters at all. What impresses us is a boy who is a good brother to the girls in his life, whether they are his friends, strangers, classmates, or biological sisters. They appreciate a boy who is thoughtful, not seeking pleasure, self-disciplined and considerate. Did you know that?”

Benjamin’s face turned red. “I just want girls to like me, and I thought being tough would be the way. And I am worried they will reject me unless I am a tough guy. I guess I don’t understand myself.”

Benjamin’s mother looked at her son, with compassion in her eyes. “I think it’s time that you learned how to master yourself a little bit better. For example, you have always refused to walk in your socks at home, because you probably don’t think it’s manly looking to do so. Am I right?”

Benjamin nodded demurely

“That’s why I am here to change that.” Benjamin’s mother slowly drew out the contents in her bag: a pair of long white socks, and a CD by a Korean girl group called Sistar 19. “My assignment to you is to wear these socks and listen to Sistar 19 while you are doing your chores in your bedroom. Sistar 19, by the way, is a K-pop band that is popular for their songs about girl power. “

Benjamin still looked puzzled, but his mother continued.

“Girl power is not about making boys feel bad: it’s about celebrating girls. And I want you to learn to celebrate girls without using your body in any way to try to conquer them. Be nice to your sisters, and see them as your friends, even when they snap at you or sometimes have better things to do than play with you. That is, love them unconditionally with your brain. That will make you a stronger boy who can withstand rejection by girls, rather than wimping out and blaming everybody around you for your misery.”

Benjamin reluctantly took the CD and started to slip the long socks, which almost came up to his knees. He admitted that this made him feel like he was a girl and he trembled with giddiness.

Just as Benjamin started to put the slippers over the socks (as though covering up his embarrassment) his mother interceded. “Uh-uh. No, you cannot have the slippers at least for now. I want you to get used to simply walking around in your new socks. I have three other pairs for you for when these socks get dirty. Please don’t be afraid to get your socks dirty.” Benjamin’s mother swiftly took the slippers away from Benjamin.

**

For the next few weeks, Benjamin felt shy. He would shuffle in his stocking feet, but when he came out to dinner with his sisters and mom, he felt somehow out of place, and wanted to hide his white socked feet somewhere. Sometimes, he even felt that rush of giddiness, but his mother would correct him.

“Please learn to be a real man in the house: do not get so excited about wearing socks. Please treat it as a normal part of you, and how it shows you are close to your sisters. Do you see how Julie, Ellen and Michelle all wear white socks up to their knees?”

With this, the three girls showed off their dainty socked feet and giggled.

“I guess this is my way of showing that I am a girl?” Benjamin quipped.

“You cannot be a girl or a woman, Benjamin, but wearing socks can show your support for them. You are not the mean little boy who stomps his grubby mocassins on his sisters’ art. You are the soft young man who softly treads in his socks.”

In the later weeks, Benjamin started getting used to listening to Sistar 19. In the beginning, he thought this was music for girls only, but then he realized that the music relaxed him with its happy beats, and was even showing him how to be a good friend to girls. Songs like “Ma Boy” were teaching him that all girls and women need respect, someone who is a good communicator and listener, and someone who acknowledges the awesome powers of women without trying to compete with them. Benjamin started to relax, knowing he didn’t need to compete with his sisters for attention, and even admitted that he was often slow witted compared to them. But it was okay, because all God’s creatures have good qualities that they can exercise in every situation.

Most of all, Benjamin learned to stride confidently in his white socks. He realized that a real young man has the strength to resist thinking that socks are embarrassing or somehow “weak”, and to be confident in his own clothes. He even started to forget that the socks were even on his feet, and his sisters started to see it as normal for him to wear socks in the house, just like them,

After the second month, when Benjamin’s mother offered him to take the slippers back, Benjamin realized that they were no longer necessary. In fact, he was more interested in continuing to explore what it’s like to wear socks while admiring his sisters and learning to respect them. He realized that it’s more important to respect girls than it is to show off in front of them, and his sisters saw a great change in him.

Benjamin decided to throw the slippers in the garbage, much to his other and sisters’ delight. Since then, he has only worn socks around the house.

Here is a short passage by Evelyn Lau from the poem “Writers”:

I walk circles through your manuscripts,

shuffle a path through books bricking the walls,

cockroaches cracking underfoot,

filing cabinets vomiting dust.

I sweep your floor with my stockings. (from You Are Not Who You Claim, p.20)

I like this poem when I imagine that the writer is cracking through delusions, through her present moment. When there are no associations, no sense of “gain” or “loss” and no sense of self observing the other, then the stockinged feet are really sweeping away the layers of dust and delusion, leaving behind clarity. Moreover, even the defiled desires are no longer seen as dust any longer: it is a woman crushing cockroach bodies with stockinged feet. These bodies represent the old ways: lust, self-centeredness, ego, laziness, the tendency to take advantage of others, the tendencies to make excuses or make someone else feel or seem weaker. When all these delusions are swept away, we are left with the female narrator, and even the listener has disappeared at that moment.

It’s important to simply contemplate the underlying meaning of this simple poem: not to judge, and let go of the watcher. Please contemplate this poem wholeheartedly.

One of the many joys of socks is the sense of being grounded completely in one’s body and felt sense of snugness or tightness that defines the foot without confining it. In no other way can one really sense the feeling of one’s feet being defined by a shape or a boundary without being confined by this boundary. What a beautiful middle path, something that Frost might even refer to as “freedom in harness”.

Unfortunately–and I am not so sure why this is the case–the sense of touch gets easily replaced by the sense of sight, and this grounding that one feels is projected onto someone else through the act of seeing. In seeing, I imagine the comfort or the groundedness that I expect someone else to feel while clad in socks. Paradoxically, I lose my own sense of grounding in the process.

There are thus two ways of looking at socks: one is to see them as an exotic experience that belongs to someone else who is “other”; the other is to come down from this exotification altogether and see with humility that the sense of touch or grounding can only come from my own feeling. By not looking to the other and imagining how they would feel, I return to my own sense of grounding with this body in this moment. But this second way requires a sacrifice, because if I go into the first “eye based” view, I end up in feelings of alienation.