Today, I had to frantically clean my apartment, since it was getting very disorganized. I decided to put on my white socks, which I find to be quite comfortable. During the time when I was walking between the bedroom and apartment, I saw the soles of my socked feet in the mirror. I was able to see myself wearing socks that were getting a bit dirty, but without any sense of embarrassment. I felt a sense of acceptance and even the sense that I am simply okay in my socks. This is a kind of natural acceptance that I have often not allowed in myself.

   I think part of my problem around socks is that it is a symbol of an early sense of comfort I had felt around women, which was somehow sticking with me. It’s only recently that I have realized that it hurts me when I get attached to socks in this way, because I project onto women the comfort or sense of reassurance and acceptance that only I can really provide for myself.  When I expect it from others, a kind of loneliness or void results, especially when that comfort does not extend to my being. When I can provide such acceptance for myself, then something different happens.

I was most excited to realize that I can enjoy the soft comforts of socks without making it into a fantasy related to women or what I want from women. In this way, I can move away from treating women as means to comfort, which creates unhealthy dependency and lack of boundaries. I hope that this can be a new way of accepting who I am (?).